My Two Very Different BFPs

A decade ago, when I decided I was done with the hormones in birth control pills, I charted my cycle by taking my temperature every morning. Since I had such a regular cycle, it worked like a charm as a reliable birth control method for my boyfriend-then-husband and me for over five years.

Image by Tressa LeFevre

A little over a year after we got married, my period was late. We had talked about getting pregnant later that year, thinking we’d just have fun and not take it too seriously at first. This was only the first cycle of “let’s see what happens.” We both expected it to take a while.

I was in such denial that I waited until my period was seven days late before I told my husband. He told me to go buy a test and I was still thinking, “nah, it’ll be a waste of money. I’m sure my period will start tomorrow.” My period was never late, silly me.

I bought one anyway and took it that afternoon. The first test was inconclusive… I didn’t have enough pee! I also didn’t read the directions where it said to take the test first thing in the morning. So I drank some more water and took another test a few hours later. I set it on the bathroom counter and left the room, I couldn’t look at it.

After five minutes, I was still too chicken to look at the test. My husband and I looked at it together. The line was very faint, but it was definitely a positive!

My emotions were all over the place. I was excited and cried a few tears of joy. I was also a little scared. Were we ready to become parents? Then my next thought was, “holy crap, I’m going to have to give birth!” thinking of the 10+ pound birth weights of my three siblings.

Thankfully, all was well and I had a pretty good pregnancy and a fantastic birth (only 6.5 pounds too!). Our son has been the light of our lives and being a mother has truly given me purpose in life. Here you can read TJ’s Birth Story.

Image by Krista Lucas Photography

Baby #2!

About two years after TJ was born, I was ready to get back on the baby-making train. I had hoped to have my babies somewhat close in age; hoping for three years at most

Us moving from southern California to Utah delayed the process a few months, but we were able to get settled and I decided that I wasn’t going to chart my cycle in the beginning. Since we got pregnant with TJ so quickly, I didn’t expect this to take long.

The universe had other plans for us.

After six months, I started getting a nagging feeling that something might be off. I started charting my cycle again, taking my temperature every morning and tracking it with FertilityFriend.

After we passed the one-year mark of trying, we met with a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) who was recommended by my midwife. He ran a bunch of tests on both my husband and me and everything turned out normal. We were officially diagnosed with unexplained infertility.

Our RE wanted to start me on Clomid and schedule an ultrasound to track when I ovulated. But it didn’t feel right for me, so I declined with plans to pursue more homeopathic options. He was surprisingly very understanding. Given my regular cycles and how easily we got pregnant before, he too, felt that Western medicine may not be necessary and that we just needed the universe to let us know when the time was right.

So we parted ways with our RE, not quite ready to pursue the path that Western medicine has in place for infertile couples, but with the understanding that we may be back.

We worked on eating healthier, more organic, and cutting out as much processed food, artificial sweeteners and dyes as possible. We also tried our best to eat out less often.

I did a herbal fertility cleanse and a few months later started doing some yoga that was supposed to be good for fertility. I was drinking a tea blend that included raspberry leaf and milk thistle a few times a week as it was supposed to help tone my uterus and help it do it’s job more effectively. I was reading about fertility massage and had plans to start seeing an acupuncturist once my son started preschool. I didn’t want to have to bring him with me to appointments.

The two year mark came and went. There was a lot of frustration, a lot of tears, and I began to really question whether it was just going to be our little family of three… especially as my 35th birthday loomed. Was I going to be able to be happy with myself and my life if I couldn’t experience pregnancy and childbirth again? More than anything, I didn’t want those feelings of frustration to rub off onto my son, who asked when he was going to get a baby sister or brother many times. Writing this post really helped me work through a lot of those emotions.

During my first cycle after the two year mark, literally the week my son started preschool, I noticed that my post-ovulation temps were a little higher than normal. I was using a new thermometer, so part of me wondered if the thermometer was just a piece of crap.

On the day my period was supposed to start my temperature was still high. It was normal for my temperature to drop a couple of days before my period started, so I wasn’t sure if I should be hopeful or just look for a new thermometer.

I decided that if my period hadn’t started by dinnertime, I would buy a pregnancy test to take the following morning. I had stopped taking pregnancy tests well over a year before because it was too difficult to see the negative result than to just see my period start. A negative test still left unanswered questions for me, whereas good old Aunt Flo left me with no question as to my pregnancy status.

My husband had been traveling for work that week and came home very late that night, so I kept my suspicions to myself. We’d been down this hope/crush road more than once, so I was cautious: afraid to be hopeful.

The next morning I woke up early and was unable to fall back asleep; still no period. I got up and took the pregnancy test with shaking hands.

I set the test down on the counter and waited… still sitting on the toilet, trying to control my breathing and stop shaking. I played some solitaire on my iPhone while I waited, watching the clock until three minutes had passed.

When it was time, I looked at the test and immediately saw two lines. I burst into tears right there on the toilet, trying to be quiet so I didn’t wake up my husband.

Once again, a ton of emotions flooded through me all at once. Relief, disbelief, joy, and fear were among a few.

I finally couldn’t keep it together anymore and I crawled into bed with my husband, shaking with a full-on ugly cry. He woke up confused, but understood when I handed him the positive test. He didn’t say anything, he just wrapped his arms around me and let me cry. All of the frustration and hurt that had built up over the last two years spilled out of me. My body wasn’t broken.

Our son M was born on Easter Sunday after an exhilaratingly fast and furious labor and he’s been the highlight of our lives ever since. TJ adores being a big brother too! You can read M’s birth story here.

Image by Earthside Birth Photography

4 Responses to My Two Very Different BFPs

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. It got me very teary. While I haven’t had fertility issues, I can very much relate to the feeling of disappointment in your body/feeling like your body is broken or is failing you. I think as women, we tend to blame ourselves, even when we really know that we aren’t to blame. I am happy you welcomed a healthy baby boy again this year. <3

  2. This made me cry! I’m so happy you got your happy ending! Love it!

  3. Wonderful story with a great Happy Ending! Thanks for sharing it!

  4. What a beautiful story with a happy ending! :) It’s always comforting to read stories of people going through so many different struggles and seeing their hopes finally met — even if it takes way longer than desired!

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